Hampir

Yang hampir - hampir itu sering membuat pikiran mangkir.
Ingat tidak waktu kau mengira mangkuk kucing itu cangkir?
Atau saat kau tutup pintu kedai karena kau kira kau yang terakhir?

Paham benar aku kalau kau sudah lupa semua itu hanya karena segelas bir.
Oh tidak,  manisku, aku tak bermaksud satir.
Toh kata - kataku itu bukan sesuatu yang nadir.

Yang hampir - hampir itu sering membuat pikiran mangkir.
Ingat tidak waktu rasa sayangmu masih sering mampir?
Oh iya. Itu semua sudah berakhir.
Tentu kau tak tahu hilangmu membuat mulutku terus berdzikir.

Kadang ku tengok waktu yang telah lama minggir.
Masih pekat dan hangat suhu badanmu terasa di bibir.
Hanya ekstase yang tertinggal, akalku hilang entah kemana melipir.

Yang hampir - hampir itu sering membuat pikiran mangkir.
Butuh ribuan doa untuk menghentikan air mata yang mengalir.
Toh aku tetap di sini, membungkuk di depanmu, berterima kasih kau sempat hadir.


Jakarta, 9 Juni 2016

Diiringi angin semilir, terima kasih sudah sempat hadir, walau hanya sekedar untuk plesir.

define love

Define love. 

To this day i don't know

To this day i'm still looking for the explanation

The scientific or the fiction one

Define love.

I think nothing but you

Doomsday

Imagine tomorrow is the end of the world.

Earth is crumbling and papers are shifting. 

In a way or other, will you embrace me?

As i looked back to the past i know what will it be

Twice

You came by during my weakest days. I was high and the sky was bright.

 Then you left as the hurricane swept you away. I died for a decade and lived like a walking zombie. 

On a midsummer day you said hello to me. 

After ten days i found my self died again.

Alien

you have the life i could never get into;
in that world full of weird figures;
me? i also live in the world you could never get used to ;
filled by rambling tales and imaginary bruises;

you were raised in your mom's crystal castle;
while i was raised in my dad's hut filled by bizarre hustles;
you were surrounded by sweets and classics;
and i was waking up to Patty Page's and Sue Thompson's music;

you got your own rolled oats every single morning;
i used to skip the breakfast for useless stargazing;
in your childhood, you got dozen of wooden toys;
while i played football with those boys;

you got no second thought for your future;
while i always have thousand reasons to be insecure;
you have all the energies within you;
while i have no idea what to do;

i got no clue why the universe made us meet;
maybe it is destined for the reasons i don't know even for a bit;
our path crossed and suddenly things got blurry;
leaving me with nothing but worry;

we could never get along, don't you know?
for nothing we have in common;
so maybe we should be apart somehow;
so i won't shed a tear when reality summons;

You know sometimes things don't end up, the way we desperately want to. We never know what life holds for us. I simply hate what i just heard. For no particular reason i got my self blinded by what i thought has lost from me. Thing has changed. Circumstances made me felt like years ago and i hate myself for that. I worked hard to put aside what i shouldn't have. Now it is coming back. Triggered by something that should be a special yet lovely gift. Oh don't you know, the universe is good at writing twist, though i have no idea what twist would i get.

Coffee

it was past midnight

just like today, ain't i right?

the stars shone so bright

and both of us were so high

just because we shared common sight

you were a calm, i was a mad.

but both of us were not so good nor so bad.

knowing you was something that made me glad

the thought that you were someone i almost had,

but time destroyed me so bad

and i keep questioning God for that.

During my high school year, i was a coffee drinker, just like both my parents  are. I had to wake up at 4.30 am and because of traffic and stuffs i always sleep past midnight. That's how coffee saved me. Don't ask me how my eye bags looked like. Those days, to be able to drag my self to class was my top priority. Now that i don't have full schedule and morning classes like those years, i only drink coffee when i have to. Like tonight when i have to stare at this desktop, typing my thesis for the sake of my bachelor degree, and somehow i 'steal' some minutes to talk about coffee. I love coffee, almost all kinds of it. For me, less sugar is better, though no sugar is not an option for me. Coffee is not like green tea, it doesn't bring any bad memory for me, instead of good memory i had back then.

At the end of the day

you blame the-few hours older version- of you, dear pity

you regret the actions you missed cause you were shy

you forget why you just stared the wall all day

you curse the chances you didn't buy

you are simply sad and you have no idea why
at the end of the day, all that left is just a good bye

milky way

sometimes we enjoy life eagerly, that we forget what should be achieved

the other time we pursue our target like crazy that we forget how to live

sometimes we run a step ahead others and take no sight at past

the other time we wail over what happened and stand still in the frozen second

sometimes we love someone so badly, that we forget how to love ourselves

the other time we busy placing ourselves as the centre, that we leave the love we could have

sometimes we take people for granted, kiss and bite them the way we want

the other time it's their turn taking us for granted that we are hugged and slapped randomly

sometimes we want someone to be ours and protect them beyond our ability

the other time we are wanted by someone who throw his/her happiness for the sake of ours

sometimes we need a shoulder to cry and find some comfort

the other time we should spare a hand for those who is in trouble

sometimes we could be so bitchy. we could turn into the jerk ones. we could transform into the selfish strangers. sometimes we could be annoyingly spoil and ask unlimited wishes. sometimes we could be run outta our mind and be foolishly in love. sometimes we worry to much that we afraid to take another step to go. but each one of us is just a sparkle in this world wide world. each one of us is just like a tiny particle laid in milky way. we are just a very little part in this world. but how come another tiny little bit of milky way means the world to the other one?

tuesday

it was one tuesday morning on the south park

she was left behind in her stained black suede dress

sitting on a maplewood bench, she was wailing

she got no one to sleep with or any lip to kiss

she had a cloud size broken promises hanging on her head

left by the man she's been waiting for years

the sky was bright and alluring 

and the sun was shining while she was crying

clinging to her, it was a grudge that won't be paid

she took five steps and prayed heaven would claim her soul and worry

as she jumped into the unknown river to be free from all the pain

ghost

pic from tumblr

are you a ghost or what? are you a refugee from the future trying to find some asylum from me or what? because i see you everyday, every minute, every time i take my breathe. i see you in my blink, and i see you in my daily dream. i look at the mirror and all i see is your shadow beside my figure. i close my eyes and you are there, hanging on till i wish i was asleep. whenever i take a ride and travel, it's like the universe shout out your name to me, till i barely deaf. i see your existence in every corner. i see your name been carved on the trees. i see your smile against the sun. i talk to a friend and it's you that popping in my head. i watch tv and again, i sense you. i listen to my playlist, and every single one reminds me to you. i don't like you, you are not my favorite person, but still your name is tickling here in my mind. i'll be crazy because i can't get you outta here. 

here comes the tale

one day, there was a girl with magic hair

she had dark long smooth hair that made everyone envied 

whenever she walked, people would stare to her hair

bloody beautiful, they said

once she gathered with her relatives

each of them would try to touch hers

it was so silky yet smelled good

and none of the crowd could kill the desire

to hold, to sense, and to kiss that hair

till one day she fell from her throne

the next second after she has cut her precious hair
and none of her admirer stayed with her

5 January 1992

a man arrived in town
from his far far away village that lay between mountain and ocean

he loved swimming in the sea as much as he desired the fresh morning air

his father suffered from sickness and passed out when he was just a young boy

the day when he carried his baby sister and followed by 3 of his brothers

climbed and looked for his daddy

the comfort and heaven life he had before, disappeared in a wink

and so he was raised in the arm of the strongest woman he has ever known

his sweet good cook mother

lived his childhood in both happiness and cloudy days

lack of money, lost a house leader figure

he promised not to let his future children be in suffer

then he met this villager girl in town

nice smile, tanned skin, wavy hair, and the pureness that live in her

a good Catholic girl with her huge dreams

travelled from her little home across the sea

after rejected lot scholarships in tears

the same trouble, lack of money and bunches of sibling needed to eat

she kicked away her chance for the sake of the love toward her family

curious about the new metropolitan city she has just touched

there, she met this man

fell in love, they were

let the city streets, the dormitory,and the beaches be the witnesses of their love

lots of differences laid ahead them, but nothing beat their love

the days they went out together, ate ice cream, watched movie

ran here and there, caught each other in deep hug

on 5 January 1992, they declared their love in front of God

and without them, there would be no me

Happy Anniversary Dear Dad and Mom

dear mr.karma

1...2...3...
i've done many things terribly
brought hope to someone accidentally
and voila, killed it slowly
for that, i'm so sorry

so here i am, under the moonlight
trying to be calm from the inside
still, not all the things are better said
sometimes all you have to do is wait

dear mr karma
please don't hit me now or whenever
i'm not ready to be punched on my face
please no no no
i just create my happiness
well, i'm sorry if it takes someone's instead
i'm turning selfish recently

paperfly

paperfly, please bring me high into the blue sky
hello, i'm suffocated and not as bloom as yesterday
i see my brilliant days are about to over
i can look through your eyes the date you intend to leave me
as a little girl, i'm going back to my self
and all the promises and songs you've sung to me
those things have disappeared, as you walked away from my life
poor me, aren't i?
even i don't cry when i'm supposed to
i don't scream when that's the only thing i could do
nothing to say though many words stuck inside my head
everything has just gone with you
and i'm all alone with no feeling at all
there's no copy of memories and our story
so, where should i go?
to whom should i ask for all the wishful thinking you gave me back then?

the couple i love the most

the man i love the most,

he got dark straight hair and brilliant face

stored his own creation magic tale as my lullaby

hugged me tight like a fairy

and always put those crunchy laugh when saw me

the man i love the most,

has turned me into a precious little princess

and still love me with my fragile mind

and no wonder, he never failed to impress me

all the kisses and cute songs were specially made for me

the man i love the most,

always there to believe me

always there to cheer me up

always there to love me

more than the way i could tell my self

and now i miss you like crazy

dear my precious lovely daddy

the woman i love the most,

she got wavy hair and deep courage

held my hand out of home for the very first school day

and made me a little doctor one day

the woman i love the most,

always there to answer all my silly thingy

always there to kick all my worries

always there to trust me

the woman i love the most,

cried tears because of me

but always proud with all i had back then

and loved me the way i couldn't express

and now, i miss her like crazy,

dear my lovely mommy

Di timur pohon keladi

Di sini, di timur pohon keladi,

Berdecak tanpa henti, menunggu pasti. Tapi, apa itu pasti? Hanya sebentuk kata yang terdengar sejak ku belum bergigi. Hanya semburat acak yang berdengung sejak bangkitku dari mati

Di sini, di timur pohon keladi,

Melamun dalam getir, masih menanti apa yang mungkin. Mungkin. Hanya segenggam huruf yang maknanya menunggu lahir. Mungkin ia hilang, mungkin ia jalang, mungkin suaminya hidung belang. Adakah yang mampu menggapai maknanya?

Di sini, di timur pohon keladi,

Termenung di ujung nadir. Mengais janji yang luruh dalam takdir. Lalu, jelaskan padaku, apa itu janji ! Pelampiasan hati yang kosong barangkali. Atau gurauan nyalang di kala hujan. Siapa yang peduli ?

Di sini, di timur pohon keladi,
Di atas rumput basah yang menyeruak aromanya. Berselam dalam kalam. Kau bilang kau pasti di sana. Menyambut pagiku yang belum terbentuk. Mengirimku dalam ungunya malam. Kau bilang kau mungkin goyah, dan hatimu itu dapat meranggas. Seperti Daud yang tergoda. Seperti Adam yang tak sanggup menolak nikmat. Tapi kau janjikan satu : untuk biarkan lintah kecil iini menyesap hangatmu. Untuk mengkristalkan waktu saat kita saling melekat.

Di sini, di timur pohon keladi,

Kemana aku harus menagih ?

Depok, 3 September 2012

Natalie

35

aku melukis namamu dengan bibirku
sudah ribuan detik kuhabiskan disini, menungguimu sejak fajar masih menggulung
aku tak ingat rumahku dimana, hanya ada kau yang merayap dalam korneaku
bibirku terus mengingat rasamu, guratan lembut kemerahan yang pernah mencumbuku
menyesap pagi, itu yang ku lakukan dan berlari dalam fantasiku yang berwarna
hingga semua menjadi sephia dan abu, terik yang menggoreng kulitku tak terasa
aku mati. ragaku , sukmaku. entah apa yang meraupnya
ini sudah siang, bahkan si gadis di ujung jalan sudah berhenti menjilati uangnya
suaramu yang kupuja tetap tak muncul. aku gelisah pada hari ke dua ratus ini
aku mengatupkan tangan dalam getirku, mengingat kata kata indah yang kau ajarkan
aku lupa caranya berdoa, sebagaimana kau lupakan aku dalam perjalananmu
aku lupa asinnya air mata sejak terakhir ku lihat kulitmu yang keling
sudah 35 jam aku disini, senja memelukku seperti kemarin dulu
kau tetap tak bergeming dalam liat waktu
kau menjemputnya dengan asa yang kau bawa, ya wanita yang kaucintai itu
kau tebang ke tempat yang belum kusentuh
hanya ragamu yang terbaring di balik tanah ini
di bawah nisanmu yang kupeluk dalam diamku

dan haruskah aku menjemputmu?

punah

cerap cerap ayam di pagi buta itu menggelitik romaku

aku cinta gelapnya fajar. cantik, legam

aku sudah lupa riak riak terang, sejak kau empas pintu di mukaku

terlampau oleh semburat waktu yang mengejar

ingin kucongkel biji matamu yang kerap menelanjangi pikiran gilaku

atau kuikat kumismu, kucacah dengan belati ibuku

dan senyummu yang selalu menampar hatiku, ingin kurajam dalam ingatku

tapi kau sudah tinggal puing, manisku

menggerayang dalam sudut gelap hati ini, jiwaku lenyap

mustahil aku bisa kembali, bahkan rona hidupku sudah mati

mengerjap aku dalam tuaian lembayung pagi yang menyapa

mata ini sudah lelah membuka dan menatap

badan ini tak lebih dari kepompong kosong

aku sudah punah saat kau dimakan bumi, sayangku

couldn't thank you more

dear my pretty life

the sweetness on earth i received for granted

got a fairytale to tell, wondering how to say it out loud

it's about a pathetic boy i've known forever

it's been 4 years since i met him in that stingy dark room

we sat on the wooden chair, the brown ones

it's been 4 years since we started all the things

depth conversation at night, let my old phone be the witness

and the moon was envy to us

it's been so long since this knife stabbed him

and he bleed a lot back then

when this witty bitch slapped that innocent creature on the heart

it's been like a lifetime and the time chased us

those 4 years, he should remember it

all the good and bad tattoos

it's been half a year since i met him

still had the same angelic smile

the one i've known very well

it's been days since we got back in touch

and we finally ended this with no reason

the pretty witch would kill him no more

all the sorry fly away

and the fairy tale should be ended with thank you

to the person whom this story are made for

because this sweet jerk couldn't thank you more

for saving the life of a fragile girl

fairytale

i was born as ordinary

then became aurora for sure

stiff and sleepy

you awake me and turned me into cinderella

served you with my sweet words

worked hard to impress you

then i became jasmine

because you taught me do wrong in a good way

you were my life skill teacher

you were the thief that stole my life purpose

but deep down inside i knew i was a pocahontas

for the difference we couldn't reconcile 

because we got this wide line in between

i've never been anastasia, i've never been a royal

like you was born that shining

so i felt tired and i got up

i knew i could be mulan

prepared for the war and kept going

hence, i travelled alone like belle

but something in my heart tells me 

it whispers night and day

that somehow i always be ariel

that little mermaid that been left