Limbo

Lately, I realized that I have this fear within me. Fear of everything that might happen between us, to us. I fear that we are slowly coming to our end. I also fear that this thing between us will never end. I fear that we won't end up together and finally will be detached from each other lives, as much as I fear that we will be an item eventually. I fear that one day you'll leave me, but I also fear you'll never do it. I fear that I won't be able to leave you behind, but I also fear that life will drag me away from you. 

I fear many things. I fear life without you, but I also fear life circulating around you. I fear losing you, but I  also fear having you too close. I fear you. I fear myself too. I fear everything related to you, to us. But, you know what I fear the most?  is that I always come back to you. That I won't be able to escape you. That at the end of the day, I still seek comfort from you.

I think I am in limbo. A neverending one. I fear staying still but I could not move. I want my happiness so bad, but thinking that it may cost your existence from my life, saddens me. I don't want you and I desire you at the same time. I hate you but I need you. You are both my safe haven and my living hell. I run from you to you. I feel like my life revolves around you and I hate that very much. I no longer know what I should pray for. A life without you or a life with you. 

The end of karmic chain

Finally, after 10 years of ups and downs, it came to an end. I used to think he was my safest place, my go-to person, someone who will always stick with me no matter how much I hurt him or ignore him. The truth is, he was not. I lost him and he set me free. Something I've been longing for years, yet it feels so painful. To be honest, the pain is immeasurable - too great to be described in words. I wish we could be like how we used to be. However, things have turned sour and chaotic. So here I am, bidding my adieu to the friend I treasure the most. As much as I am thankful for his existence, this time I have to set him free, I really have to.

Que sera sera

I keep wondering where life takes me. Where will I be on the exact day next year? Will it be a fine day? Will it be a bad day? Will it be just an average normal day? And then it hits me, that what will be, will be. Que sera sera. Whatever will be, will be.

A year ago I was in Singapore with someone I loved dearly. Today, I barely know him. See? No one knows what tomorrow will bring. So yes, que sera sera.

Habit kills

It's the habits that kill me...slowly and cruelly. The habit of worrying about you. The habit of caring too much about what's going on in your life. The habit of missing you.

Grateful

I have my parents who always support and love me unconditionally.
I have my brothers who always try to protect me.
I have my big family who always pray for me.
I have my friends who always listen to me.
All is well.

I live in a house, with roof and walls protecting me from heat and cold.
I can go wherever I want to go.
I have this healthy body, mind and soul.
I can eat three times a day.
All is well.

I woke up this morning and still can breathe, another new day.
I was given the opportunity to study abroad.
I travelled cities and countries.
I have the privilege to talk and walk with people from all over the world
All is well.

I have God who always here with me.
All is well.
All is good.
There's no reason to be ungrateful. There's no room for fear.

For all I have in my life, I am blessed beyond words.